Becoming Fearlessly Fertile with guest Rosanne Austin
Rosanne Austin was a fertility patient herself before she became a coach, and went through seven years of treatment before giving birth to her son at age 43. I’m excited to talk to her about “Becoming Fearlessly Fertile.”
As a high-achieving attorney at the time, she experienced firsthand the feeling of failure that can come with not being able to conceive easily or quickly. Later she saw the difference it made when she changed her approach to herself, her fears and her fertility journey.
She is now a certified coach through the International Coach Federation, the author of two bestselling books, Am I the Reason I’m Not Getting Pregnant and Are We the Reason We’re Not Getting Pregnant, and the creator of the Fearlessly Fertile method.
Rosanne has helped thousands of women become pregnant (I know that for a fact because many of them are my patients!) and today she’s joining me to share her story and her wonderful approach to becoming Fearlessly Fertile.
Dr. Aimee: I am so delighted to have fertility coach Rosanne Austin on today. Hi, Rosanne.
Rosanne Austin: Hey, Dr. Aimee. It’s so good to be with you.
Dr. Aimee: It is such a pleasure. It’s so great that we have so many patients in common. I don’t know why I didn’t know this sooner. My patients have been singing your praises for years, so it’s awesome to get to talk to you today.
Welcome, Rosanne.
Rosanne Austin: It’s such a pleasure to be here, Dr. Aimee. I have to tell you, my clients have been singing your praises as well. So, when our paths crossed and the opportunity showed up, I just was jumping for joy because I just couldn’t believe that it had been so long since we had the opportunity to chat in this way. It’s a real honor. I’m really happy to be here.
Dr. Aimee: I want to hear more about your story. You’re a fertility coach. Not many coaches also have their JD. Can you share how you got involved with the fertility field?
Rosanne Austin: I got involved in the fertility field because I was knee-deep in it as a patient.
While I was a prosecutor in California, I met the love of my life and decided that it was time to start the path to my family. I had created a really wonderful career, I was a lead trial attorney in a specialized sexual assault prosecution unit. I met my husband and the thing is, for me, it’s not that it had never crossed my mind to be a mom, it just wasn’t a priority at that time in my life. I was really serving my community. I was actually in the San Francisco Bay area, like you are. I just was really involved in my career. When this great love of my life came into my life, I’m like “I think it’s time.”
I had heard things, and I don’t know where I picked it up, but I had picked up this idea that it was going to be hard for me to conceive. Then it became hard for me to conceive. As my husband and I were trying, for the first time in my life, I felt like a failure. I was used to there being a more direct correlation between hard work and an outcome. Academically, it was not difficult for me to make it through school, to get the certifications I needed, all these things, it was just a matter of doing the work. When it came to my fertility, not so much.
I was doing all of the things people were telling me to do. Some insane things. I talk about that in my first book. I was boiling black chickens, taking every supplement I could get my hands on, going to faith healers, psychics, all of these things. It really brought me to, not that I didn’t have humility before, but it was a very different kind of humility. It was really like, wow, I might have a dream that I cannot accomplish. It was extremely unnerving.
As I was being supported by a really great team of physicians and people that were working really hard for me, what I noticed was they were bringing their A-game, but I wasn’t. Quietly, in the background, I was expecting to fail. I was struggling with a sense of unworthiness. I felt like, “Who am I if I can’t do this,” while I would show up with a big smile on my face.
I think it’s funny because during the seven years of my journey, I’m fairly certain that I probably could have passed the boards to become a reproductive endocrinologist. Even though I couldn’t pass a math or science class before, I got an education. The piece of it that was missing was what was going on inside of me, and nobody was talking about that, at least in a way that I, as a lovably Type A, control freak-y professional, very much a masculine woman, could accept.
It seemed to me that there was either one end or the other of the spectrum. Either it was super woo-woo tree-hugging that I couldn’t understand, or it was just tough it out, do what you need to do. There was nothing in between. So, I made a promise to myself that when I figured out how I could get through this journey mentally, emotionally, spiritually, that I would teach anyone who would listen. That’s why I am where I am today, doing what I do.
It’s an interesting thing because you’re absolutely right, not many have the JD, but I think it’s because of that that I’ve been able to serve more women and show women that I may look like I have it all together on the outside in my suit going to court, but there was something very different going on on the inside.
Dr. Aimee: What mindset changes did you make ahead of getting pregnant?
Rosanne Austin: I had to zero in on things that I think I had just pushed through before. I really had to look at myself and what I really stood for and what I really wanted. Truly, probably one of the biggest things that I had to overcome was my fear of failure. Every time I failed with a treatment, different cycles, different things that I was trying, diets, yoga, all of these things that I was trying and it wasn’t working, I had to rewire in my brain my perception of failure and what that actually meant.
I also had to get to the place where I could embrace what I want in this life without shame, because one of the things that I was carrying was this idea that what I wanted was too much, or that the audacity to have a career, love in my life, and a child was greedy. There were a lot of those deep seeded underlying limiting beliefs that I really had to overcome.
Those constellations of things came together to help me really overcome that mental block that I had that I couldn’t have what I wanted.
Dr. Aimee: I think what you’re saying will resonate with so many listeners because I hear that from my patients all the time. They actually start off by saying, “I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be greedy,” and I have to help them with that and help them realize that what they’re doing is the opposite, that they’re extremely selfless by putting themselves through these treatments to bring another great love into their life. Thank you for sharing that.
Tell me about the mind-body connection and how it works. I know you work on this with your clients.
Rosanne Austin: One of the things that I noticed in my life was I was running around believing that this from the neck up was completely separate from what was the neck down, like we’re just running around with these meat suits on. It’s interesting because I began to bridge the gap, this idea that the mind and the body work together, they are synergistic, that they are part and parcel of who we are as human beings, what you think impacts how you feel. Sometimes we look at mind-body connection as this ethereal thing, but it isn’t. You can see this even in how people say, “Oh, I’m tired.” If you say that you’re tired, you’ll feel tired. When you start saying, “Actually, I have boundless energy,” you start to feel more energetic.
The mind-body connection is really a unification of what you’re thinking and how you’re being, how we impact outcomes. There’s a lot of studies on cancer patients and people in recovery from surgeries that your attitude really does impact how your body heals and how you’re able to behave under those circumstances.
Dr. Aimee: I imagine that becoming fearlessly fertile is part of that mindset. I believe in the fertility of every patient that comes to see me, no matter their age or their story, because I just see them as parents. I imagine that has a lot to do with what you do as well.
Rosanne Austin: Oh, yes. I’ve helped women from ages 28 to 52. I love that you and I have that connection. Age is not relevant to me. It’s about being a parent.
Dr. Aimee: How can coaching help patients change their mindset?
Rosanne Austin: The way that I look at it, particularly in the way that I do it, fearlessly fertile is an ethos, it’s really a way of being. It’s a way of approaching this chapter in someone’s life and saying, “This desire in my heart to be a mom is there because it was meant for me. I may not know how, I may not know when, but this is in me and I want this, and this is good.” It’s really about giving yourself plenty of space to want what you want unapologetically.
I find that when people incorporate this type of mindset and break free of the fear, the negativity, the doubt, the shame, the making yourself wrong for what you want, your attitude not just toward the support you may bring in through fertility treatments, diets, things like that, you’re looking it at from more of a 36,000-foot view. It’s more about your end result as opposed to what happens in between.
It’s really about saying, “I know that I want this. I’m going to get this.” Not from a place of being greedy, but being really committed to the vision, so that even if you have bumps in the road, twists and turns like there always are on this journey, that you can look at it less like a failure and more like a nudge in the right direction. It completely changes the way that you look at it. You stop looking at “failure” as opposed to simply having more information, which is what I always coach my ladies to think about. It’s just more information.
Dr. Aimee: Exactly. They’re learning experiences, 1,000%. I imagine that many of your clients are just so stressed and they’re coming to you with that. Can you talk me through how you help them through stress and how stress can affect their fertility as well?
Rosanne Austin: One of the things that women come to me with is they notice that there is a missing piece. They’re doing the treatments, they’re doing the diets, they’re doing the yoga, they’re doing vaginal steaming and all of the crazy stuff we hear about it, pineapple cores and things like that. But they realize that there is a part of them that is holding back, there’s a part of them that’s not really engaged. They’re deeply afraid.
When they come to me, it’s all about moving that fear to the side. We acknowledge it, because anytime you’re going for a big goal, there’s going to be fear. It’s not like when you have a strong mindset you suddenly have a lobotomy and it never shows up. It’s really about changing the way that people approach fear. It’s “yes, and.” Yes, I am afraid, and I’m going for this.
It’s really about helping women build resilience. One of the most magical things that I have found, especially with my ladies because I tend to coach physicians, lawyers, teachers, nurses, engineers, very accomplished women, is that they find themselves in a place where it’s like, “Dude, all of the stuff that I normally am doing is just not working. What’s wrong with me?”
We really go through a process of reawakening the fire within them for what they want and helping them rewire how they look at themselves and how they look at being on this journey. Because a lot of people see this as punishment, or that they did something, that they waited too long to find the right partner, it’s so much about making themselves wrong. We reignite what’s right and help them change the way that they look at so many aspects of themselves so that when they do come back into your treatment room, they’re way more calm because they’re not making themselves wrong. They’re a better partner for you in the treatment, so it’s not like trying to read Dr. Aimee’s mind, they’re like, “I’m cool. I’m going to let Dr. Aimee do her thing.”
The other thing that’s really interesting is I think we all just want to know that we’re going to be okay. We all just want to know that we’re loved and that we’re going to be okay. So, part of that fearlessly fertile process is bringing that home so that you can go and do your treatments in peace. Anytime there is a bump in the road, it doesn’t have to mean the worst case scenario. That’s how we begin to reduce the stress, reduce the pressure.
Sometimes another thing that we find is work-life balance. Really looking at the way people are living. Are they giving themselves space to recover? Are they giving themselves enough time in preparation for an egg retrieval, for a transfer? Are they creating a life that really supports this?
Coaching is very different in the sense that it’s very prospective, so we’re really looking at preparing people for this, giving them the tools that they need to get through it, and also keeping them focused so that when they do get pregnant, they don’t just create another set of worries that comes after that.
Dr. Aimee: How is coaching different from seeing a therapist? I like my patients to also talk to a therapist a lot of times. How is talking to you going to be different from an experience someone might have with their therapist?
Rosanne Austin: That’s a really good question. Coaching and therapy, I think people get confused about what those things are. I like to look at coaching as being very forward focused. When somebody comes to me, I don’t look at them like there is something wrong with them. Not that therapists do, but it’s just a very different focus.
I focus on what they want. What do they want? What is the experience they want to create as they live this journey? Do they want to live it in fear, doubt, and negativity, or do they want to be calm, confident, and expect that this is going to work out? If they want those things, they talk to me and that’s what we build.
I don’t care so much about their past. What I care about is what they want to do now. I presume that there is nothing wrong with them. That they are creative, resourceful, and whole, and that together we can get them to where they want to go.
Dr. Aimee: How about your role in terms of coaching, not just the female patient, but if there is a sperm provider involved and active in their lives, a male partner or a female partner, what do you do to help strengthen relationships as you’re coaching a client?
Rosanne Austin: That is such a great question. That’s actually the topic of my second book, it’s all about relationships. As much as this journey is an individual experience, it is very much an experience for the couple. It’s really interesting because sometimes those two things couldn’t be more different, the way that somebody experiences something that happens as an individual versus as a couple. It’s almost as if there’s two different phases there.
I’ve helped couples in many different ways who come together for various reasons and at different times in their lives. One of the most important things that anyone who is doing this in a couple needs to consider is just take a moment and remember that your partner is a human being. It sounds so basic, but they are having their experience.
One of the things I hear so often is, “Don’t they get that I’m going through all these things? I’m the one that’s getting the shots. I’m the one that’s doing the crazy diet.” One thing that I always tell them is just breathe for a second, just breathe. They don’t know what’s going on in your head. Have a conversation.
One of the most loving things that people who are in couples can do for each other is just take a deep breath and ask each other, “How can I be here for you right now?” If you have no other question to ask, and you don’t know what else to do, just say, “How can I be here for you right now?” I think transparency is the best thing. “Look, I’m completely confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m feeling a little helpless. How can I be here for you right now?”
Dr. Aimee: I love it. One of the things at baseline ultrasounds, I always tell the support person there are three questions you’re going to be asking every single day, “What can I do for you? How can I help? What do you need?” It’s really that simple. If you ask enough, someone will come up with some way to help you support them. I appreciate you saying that.
What do you wish anyone struggling to get pregnant knew right now in today’s times and in today’s world?
Rosanne Austin: I love that question. I think that the one thing that I would want people to focus on and to know is that you’re going to figure this out, you will find a way. Everything looks like chaos in the middle, it looks like failure in the middle of it, but what is coming for you is 10,000 times better than you can ever imagine.
And to keep themselves open because sometimes this baby is going to show up in a way that you hadn’t anticipated. Even our best laid plans, I went through seven years of treatment, my son decided to come naturally, when all seemed lost and when it seemed like on paper things were grim, it didn’t seem like this was ever going to happen for me.
It was interesting because when you keep your heart open and you stay focused on what you want and you stay open, when you condition your mind and you build a strong mindset, you will see opportunity everywhere. You’ll drop the judgment and open your heart, and the thing that you want comes like that. It’s not magic. It’s mindset.
Dr. Aimee: I agree. When I have a patient who comes in at 42, 43, 44, or even 45, they come in because they have hope in their heart. They’re practical, but they still believe that they have a chance. I have definitely had patients get pregnant unassisted with years of trying. It’s that belief, that mindset that kept them going, that they just felt like there was still a chance. Obviously, they still have a loving relationship with their partner and they’re still trying at home. If you are not doing that and if you don’t have that loving relationship, obviously it just wouldn’t happen for you.
Rosanne Austin: I think that underscores why mindset is so important, because you will make choices that are different, you will try things and take more risks when your heart is in a place of expectation and hope and you have that faith. You’re less likely to be like, “It’s never going to work for me.” You’re just open.
I think also you approach your team differently. I think the whole treatment team experience is different when it’s less adversarial and more collaborative. I think that sometimes fear can make us feel adversarial as opposed to that these people are really trying to help me. It makes the overall experience so much more positive.
Dr. Aimee: If you were to give us one thing that someone who is struggling could do today for themselves, what would that be?
Rosanne Austin: I love this question. This is such a good question and it has such a powerful answer. Go back to why. Why do you want this?
Just take a second, pull yourself out of your busy day, set 10 minutes on your phone or on your watch, and just sit down and journal for 10 minutes why. Why is this important to you? Because I think sometimes we take our why for granted, we don’t stop and think. When you think about and dissect why you’re putting yourself through all of these things, 9.5 times out of 10, it’s for love. When you think about that, that “why” being so driven by love, wanting to share and wanting to bring more amazing humans into the world, it’s going to change your attitude. You’re going to feel more purpose-driven than fear-driven.
So, 10 minutes, mamas, sit down and just write it out. Why do you want to do this? Why is it important for you to be a mom? I promise, even if it’s just for a few minutes, you’re going to feel so much better. Just as a pro tip, don’t just write it out. Put that somewhere where you can see it every single day. It’s going to remind you why you’re doing the shots, doing the supplements, showing up at the clinic. I think it’s going to put more spring in your step and I think it’s going to build that faith.
Dr. Aimee: I’m going to start asking patients to do that at their new patient visit. They’re probably going to look at me a little funny in the beginning because it’s not typical of a fertility doctor.
I bet you also have some tips for fertility doctors like myself. How can we engage our patients in a different way to support our patients and help them have a more positive mindset?
Rosanne Austin: I think, first of all, it would be awesome to clone the Dr. Aimee way because I know all of my clients that have had the good fortune of being supported by you always talk about this high-touch experience, the humanity, the kindness, the patience. I think that is a really awesome segue about how physicians can support their patients more.
In fact, in one of my coaching calls yesterday, one woman had an experience where before anyone even sat to listen to her she was deluged with statistics and why she needs to give up because she just needs a donor egg, before even hearing her position. I think whenever we’re serving people on this journey, I think taking a step back and remembering that this is a human being with a dream, this is somebody that has a lot of love in their heart. I think it just changes the way that we approach it.
The statistics are less important. Yes, they’re points of data and you certainly want to give somebody information, of course, but I think when we slow down and we all come together and remember that this is somebody that’s building a family, I think that it brings a softness and a sensitivity and a receptivity to what’s happening. I think we can approach whatever challenges the person is facing with a lot more kindness and a different kind of problem solving as opposed to just, “This study says this.” While that study may be awesome, there is somebody sitting in front of you that is terrified that a dream is not going to come true.
I think that’s one of the best ways, is just to take a second. I know you’re busy, I know there’s a lot of demands, but just remember that this is a human being with a dream.
Dr. Aimee: One of my professors taught me, she said, “Aimee, the one thing I can teach you is you never tell a patient she needs an egg donor the first time you meet her. You just never do that. No matter what her chances are, you never even talk about that.” That’s something that I’ve done from the very beginning.
Our patients are smart, they know what their chances are. I always ask patients, “What do you think your chances are?” If I have a 50 year old patient who thinks her chances are 50%, obviously I’m going to do some education in a very gentle way, even for someone who is 50. Like you said, they have a dream in their heart. Who am I to tell them that there is no chance? But, obviously, biology is biology.
Rosanne Austin: That’s why people love you. Kudos to you and what bravery. I think it’s a different kind of ethic to operate from that place of humanity. Well done.
Dr. Aimee: I wish I could teach it. I’m trying to figure out a way, some sort of course in terms of how we communicate with patients so that they feel loved. I feel if you show that love, then patients will love themselves even more and they will start believing what I believe that they can accomplish.
I actually had a patient tell me, probably more than one, “Aimee, I think you want me to get pregnant more than I do.”
Rosanne Austin: That wouldn’t surprise me.
Dr. Aimee: I’m not surprised. How can people find you and work with you? I’m sure you are so busy and already have a full schedule, but I know that more of my patients will want to work with you. Tell us about that.
Rosanne Austin: That’s super kind, Aimee.
I’m active on Instagram, @ RosanneAustinFertility. I also do a weekly podcast, the Fearlessly Fertile Podcast. That’s where you can hear tips, tricks, and gems from the fertility journey trenches. You can also find my books on Amazon. At the time of this recording, I just finished up the manuscript of my third book. I have a YouTube channel. So, I’m all over the internet and people can find me relatively easily, but one of the first places to go would be Instagram if you want to see some of the goodness.
Dr. Aimee: Awesome. We’ll be continuing to find you there. Thank you for all of your inspiration, love, and support, Rosanne. For my patients and for any patient out there who could use you, I highly recommend that you guys work with Rosanne.
Thank you again, Rosanne. Is there anything else that you want to share with us before we end today?
Rosanne Austin: No. I just want to thank you, Dr. Aimee. Thank you for all of the work that you’re doing in the world. Thank you for your approach to the way that you’re doing this work. It’s also super refreshing to be with somebody that sees the power of the mind-body connection and values that for your patients and it’s the first part in your team approach. Thank you for that.
Dr. Aimee: Absolutely. Thank you, Rosanne. Hopefully, we’ll have you back on soon to talk about your third book.
Rosanne Austin: Awesome.
Dr. Aimee: Thanks, Rosanne. Have a great day.
Originally published at https://www.draimee.org.
